Fourth
Week Post Transplant
Feb. 27 -
March 5th , 2005
The week started with another biopsy. My 3rd one. Bob and I went to Boston the night before as the appointment was at 8am and we wanted to avoid early morning traffic. Every doctor follows the same steps during the procedure, but it feels so different on my end. The doctor I had today was more aggressive than the other two. I liked it the least.
The glue they used in lieu of stitches on my chest is coming off. It peels away in pieces with each shower. As it does, it feels as though the entire transplant experience is peeling away too, like letting go a chrysalis. I’m left with the person underneath—the real me.
I have four small scars in a row on my stomach, thanks to the stomach tubes. I have four small scars at odd places on my abdomen from the laparoscopic gall bladder removal they did my 2nd week on the transplant list. (I was delisted for the week of that operation, yet was comforted by an inner knowing that said the donor wasn’t yet ready, I wouldn’t miss out on my new heart.) I have many scars on my left and right groin, hole marks where they inserted catheters and lumens for vein access during the transplant and the two operations I had in December. My neck is also marked with holes where they got vein access for the I.V.s and also where the biopsy catheters are inserted.
My strength is coming back slowly and I have energy. I’m able to walk 25 minutes back and forth in front of the house. Mom has been walking with me. She arrived the day after I got home from the hospital and stayed for two weeks. She’ll go home to Dover , Delaware this Sunday for a week and then return for another two weeks. Her help has been invaluable. I am so glad she was able to come, and very grateful. The food and company have been wonderful.
My appetite is finding a balance. I’m no longer gorging myself with food. I don’t like to feel full, so I’m glad I’m not feeling as ravenously hungry. I’m gaining a little weight. Came home weighing between 129 and 131, now I’m between 133 and 136. Still about ten pounds lighter than I was previously.
Seeing my physical therapist is doing a lot to keep my chest open and loose. So far no muscle pain to speak of. I do have to change positions slowly when I’m lying down. Sleeping at night is still difficult, as I can’t help but take naps during the day. I feel so restful. So glad to be at home.
This week I tried to wash dishes, but am not yet ready. Bending over the sink puts my chest at an angle that is too uncomfortable. But I do dry dishes as part of my “physical therapy” for arm strength. And yesterday I made a salad. This week I started lifting 2 lbs weights.
Emily, my eldest daughter, came Saturday, March 5th, after attending a tradeshow in N.Y. for the one-of-a-kind clothing she designs. (Visit her website at: www.bonnieheartclyde.com) She’s caught a cold and probably shouldn’t be here as my immune system is suppressed by the anti-rejection drugs and I have to be very careful about catching an infection. Yet I don’t care. I want to cuddle her anyway. A mother’s love supercedes, doesn’t it? I just hope she feels better soon. Gives me a chance to take care of her! But she understands and keeps her distance.
I’ve also continued talking to my organs as though they are conscious beings, and more important, letting them talk and learning to listen to them. It’s amazing what they have to tell me. I’ve also been introducing the heart to other organs. A big surprise was to learn that the lungs were my heart’s first friend. While they were both on the heart-lung machine and heart was scared, lungs came to comfort. They’d been on the machine once before, during my open heart surgery last year, and assured heart that everything would be okay.
Also learned that immune system is ignoring heart, though I asked it to keep an eye open for anything “not the heart” that doesn’t belong in and around the heart. Immune system is well aware of its role. The anti-rejection medicines I'm taking are designed to prevent the immune system from attacking the new heart and rejecting it. During all the introductions between the heart and the other organs, we say we will be together for as long as we are alive. This statement is very assuring to all my organs.
Every night I continue to spend about an hour with my body, talking to it and trying to listen. I’ve also been listening to my heart with a stethoscope. I didn’t realize how the beating of a strong, healthy heart resounds throughout the chest. What beautiful music.
Emotionally I’m still feeling detached from all the concerns of living. This has been a wonderful state to be in, so stress free. However I can sense thought patterns and habits of old are beginning to creep back, such as concerns about money and household repairs, etc. Right now, life is presenting an opportunity to get my car’s timing belt fixed. A chunk of money, but necessary for safety, and the money is there.
I rest assured that my two youngest daughters, Kellan and Aria, are well cared for by their father who lives in a neighboring town. Gratefully, they are in good hands and I don’t have to worry about them. Yet I have no idea when or if I’ll be able to take care of them, or how much. Right now, I still feel totally incapable. It is nearly impossible to sense anything about the future beyond the immediate next moment. I am content to focus on the “here and now,” and it seems I have no other choice but to do this.
I remind myself to be grateful for what I have. Life will continue to take care of me as it has done so demonstrably up to this point. In that I can fully trust.
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