Eighth Week
Post Transplant:
March 27th -
April 2nd , 2005
Mom left Monday morning and a few hours later my long-time hairdresser came over to give me a haircut. I so badly needed it and she did a great job as always. She had read the article in the newspaper and was particularly interested in my near death experience. She had lost a son years ago and hoped I might say something to reassure her that her son was okay. But I felt speechless. I know with absolute certainty that life continues after the physical body dies, and the worlds beyond are so beautiful and peaceful. Yet I’ve read that heaven is what we imagine it to be. We’ll see what we expect to see, and what our upbringing and religious teachings tell us. I don’t know why some people are blessed with dreams or inner assurances from their departed loved ones and others aren’t. Maybe the search for the contact is a gift that will lead the individual on a spiritual search of a much greater scope.
Tuesday my Dad arrived for a two-week visit. It was so good to see him again. He asked what side effects I’ve noticed from taking all the medications. Since I’ve been home from the hospital, I’d say the most obvious one is the swollen cheeks from the prednesone. Bob calls them my “chipmunk cheeks”. Since the prednesone dosage has been lowered over the past few weeks, the swelling is less, and hopefully will one day go away. The positive side of it is that it has filled out my wrinkles and people say I look younger.
The cyclosporin I'm taking stimulates growth in hair follicles and I’m fortunate I have light hair. Still, I may have to deal with some upper lip bleaching sooner or later. Fortunately the hair on my head is also getting thicker and my eyebrows are no longer thinning.
Other side effects: occasionally I’ll get ringing in my ears and my neck and head will get hot, but this lasts only for a few minutes and is actually comforting in a strange way. I get tingling sensations in my lips and face, more frequent headaches (but they have always been gone by morning), shaky hands, a funny taste in my mouth, and the strangest one of all is that sometimes my fingertips get hypersensitive to hot water (as when taking a shower) and will feel as though they are burning. Sometimes at night my body gets really agitated and restless and I can’t sleep, and several times a day, for a few seconds, I get woosy as though I'm on a boat in the high seas. I feel generally drugged, which can be like a mild feeling of "sickness" and I continue functioning, or bad enough to make me want to lie down. I know I’m not ill and that it’s just the meds because I have no other symptoms, my vitals are fine and I have the energy to exercise and go about my day.
People I've spoken with who have had heart transplants say that as far as the meds are concerned, the first six months are the worst. If you can get through them, you'll be fine. During that time, either the doctors reduce the meds with each successful biopsy or your body simply gets accustomed to them. But to put these side effects into perspective, when my father originally asked the question only two or three symptoms came to mind. I've accepted the side effects as part of the process. They are an extremely small price to pay for new life. Especially when I go outside I remember how wonderful it is to be alive. I've been given a very special gift and sometimes I feel my capacity to be grateful for it isn't even large enough to encompass the blessing.
The skipping heartbeats, on the other hand, are much harder to deal with. They are becoming very discomforting and unnerving. The episodes usually happen when I’m at rest and after being busy. They force me to lie down because I don’t trust the light-headedness that comes with them. Maybe they have something to do with the meds or are part of the healing process. Hopefully this strange symptom will pass like many of the others have.
The anxiety has also gotten worse this week and I’m looking for creative ways to deal with it. My Dad took me to renew my expired drivers’ license and the entire time I fought panic. I told myself there is good anxiety and bad anxiety. The good kind protects us, prepares us for new experiences and keeps us alert. I tried to convince myself I was feeling “good anxiety” and to be grateful for it. On the way home, it was much better.
Despite the anxiety, I had some really good days this week. In fact, for the first time I had moments of feeling “normal” and glimpsed the possibility that life really will get back to normal too. A highlight of the week was Saturday when Dad and I picked up my daughters, Aria and Kellan, and took them to the mall. We walked around, did some shopping and then went out to eat. I’m becoming wiser to my energy levels and when I should stay home and rest and when I can push it. Last year after the open heart surgery I often pushed myself too much and my setbacks were pretty bad. This time, I plan to take things more slowly to avoid those discouraging setbacks. My doctors are always reminding me: Take baby steps!