Fourteenth
– Eighteenth Week Post Transplant:
May 8th –
June 11th, 2005
Not long ago when I was still recovering from the open heart surgery and feeling so tired, I remember asking myself, “when do I get to start enjoying the benefits of heart transplant?” Finally—NOW! I’ve been so busy enjoying life these past five weeks that I haven’t had time to write my heart progress update. I’ve had plenty of energy and I believe that with proper diet and exercise I can improve my health far beyond what it was prior to October 2002 when my heart failed.
Lately I’ve been gardening, raking, pulling weeds, planting, walking, writing, food shopping, doing yoga, going to tag sales with my daughters (which they love to do) and being able to care for them for two nights in a row. Kellan’s 7th birthday is coming up and I’m looking forward to baking the cake and having a handful of girls here for a birthday party.
I have also been attending cardiac rehab class three times a week and driving myself there with no problem. Cardiac rehab is attended by one or two cardiac nurses and at least one physical therapist. They take your weight and blood pressure and attach a three-lead monitor to your chest when you come in (the leads are placed discreetly beneath your shirt). They monitor your heart rate throughout your exercise session, and take your blood pressure one more time while you are exercising. They ask you to exercise on three pieces of equipment for 12 minutes each. I start with the recumbent bicycle, then do the arm ergometer and then the treadmill. My body is clearly getting stronger.
To put things in perspective, sometimes for two, three or four days in a row all I do almost all day long is sleep. Bob says its because I do so much that I tire myself out and I should pace myself better. Maybe. But he understands that when I feel good, I want to embrace life. I want to do everything I can right now. It’s hard to rest when you feel good. What a blessing to be disease-free.
Here’s an update on my symptoms: My dizziness and lightheadedness are gone, the anxiety is gone, I can go upstairs without stopping, I can drive about half an hour at a time. My scars are healing nicely and I look forward to the day when they turn from pink to white, as my previous ones did.
Yet I still have the tremors, though they come and go. Of course, when I tried to show them to the doctor my hand hardly trembled at all. It’s worse when I try to use my fingers for fine motor skills like sewing, but generally much better than it was last month. I still have insomnia and my hands are still hypersensitive to hot water.
On the upside, my weight is back to normal and for some reason my fingernails are stronger than they’ve ever been.
Lately people have been asking me if I have any new personality traits now that I have a new heart. I usually laugh and tell them I don’t think so, but maybe they should ask my boyfriend!
Seriously, I have noticed some differences. Most I attribute to the joy of being alive. For example, the other day I was stopped behind a line of cars at a red light. I could feel the tension in the drivers around me. I once got as impatient at red lights as they were. Now I see red lights as an opportunity to relax, settle in, re-evaluate where I am and my plans for what I’m doing and where I’m going next, to take a deep breath and enjoy the stillness of the moment. Now I love red lights.
I see other people get upset about things and I wonder, why worry? Life is too precious to waste time with negative thoughts and feelings. Remember reading my previous reports when I worried about my anxiety and the possibility I might be agoraphobic and unable to drive very far yadda yadda. In time (and not much time) it all worked itself out.
In addition, my body likes to stretch and move more than it ever did. I’ve never been an athlete but the idea of eventually running or bicycling regularly is appealing to me. My heart loves to beat, it loves to work, and I suppose in that way it fulfills its mission in life, too.
I also like peanut butter more than ever, and eat it almost daily. I no longer dislike nuts in breads and ice cream. I once preferred to wear my fingernails short and now I enjoy wearing them long. Cake was once my favorite dessert, now it is clearly ice cream.
Most of all, I love being outside and playing in the garden planting flowers and pulling weeds. The idea of making my world a little bit more beautiful is so fulfilling and inspiring. I feel closer to God that way and I have a lot to be grateful for. Not a moment goes by when I’m outside that I don’t think how fortunate I am to be alive. The sense of how precious life is has not diminished over the weeks since the transplant, but grown. I have to be responsible for the future but I glorify the moment. For example, last week I felt like eating cake (because I still thought that was my favorite dessert), so instead of waiting for someone’s birthday, I simply made a cake.
I had my eighth biopsy on June 6th, 2005 . They are having a harder time reaching my heart through my left jugular vein as it is beginning to scar and the vein is so small to begin with. Eventually they might have to go in through the groin, which would be a much bigger deal time-wise. My right jugular was sore for awhile a few weeks ago and is still clotted. The good news is that my biopsy showed no sign of rejection and they reduced my prednisone to 10mg a day. Interestingly, two days afterwards I noticed soreness in my sternum for the first time. I think the prednisone might have been masking the pain. (No complaint there!)
Someone also asked me if my heart feels any different. What feels different is that I am aware that although my heart is very much mine, I don’t feel I own it. I am not possessive of it like I once was, though pre-transplant it never occurred to me that I was possessive of it. But today, I no longer fear it will stop beating because I am comfortable that life continues “on the other side.” I’ve seen it, I’ve been there, but I chose to be here in the physical plane and was granted my wish. I will be here for as long as God wants me here. Then I’ll gladly go wherever God wants me to serve life next. Maybe one day when I’m on the other side, I’ll have a chance to meet the Soul who gave me this heart. I would very much enjoy that, as I feel a love bond between us already.
Nowadays, I view my heart as my partner in life. This makes my heart’s intuition easier to hear. Before, when my heart gave me guidance, I wasn’t always sure if the insight was coming from my head or if it was just some crazy idea or what. Now it is easier to discern the fears and insecurities my mind conjures and the true intuition my heart likes to offer, especially when I ask it.
To ask my heart about something, I simply think about the project or decision and then sense how well my heart resonates to it. I don’t believe you have to have a heart transplant to be able to do this. I treat my heart like a friend by loving, respecting and taking good care of it with diet, supplements and exercise, as well as by loving it, and every once in awhile talking to it, listening to it and saying thank you to it. Sometimes when faced with something new, I’ll say to myself, “Ok, how are we going to handle this?” “We” meaning me and my heart. If you can treat your heart like a partner, like a conscious being separate from yourself, then it will treat you like a friend too and offer freely its friendly advice in the form of intuition, nudges and clear feelings. I trust my heart’s sense of things. My brother, Paul, once said it so succinctly: “Gut feelings are usually right.”
I’ve passed my four month “anniversary” since transplant. My next milestone is the six-month post transplant biopsy. I understand that if I have no rejection at that time, they will reduce my medications significantly and the likelihood of having rejection after that goes way down. I will post again after the six-month biopsy to let you all know how things have been going. Until then, enjoy your heart!